Celebrity Boxing Comes of Age

In the "all-is-lost" department, the programmers at Fox Television
recently broadcast "Celebrity Boxing II" -- for the second time. It
was, once again, an unmitigated ratings failure and further evidence
that we are even closer to the end of civilization as we once knew it.

Into the ring gleefully bounced long lost luminaries who give obscurity
new meaning. They included the "Welcome Back, Kotter's" Ron Palillo --
cadaverous and pale -- who duked it out with "Saved by the Bell's
Dustin Diamond. The thrilla in vanilla.
Apparently no one has considered shooting the cretinous Joey Buttafuoco
with silver bulllets yet. There he was, ungallantly beating the hell
out of a young woman in the ring. I did not catch her name. I don't
think Joey did, either. Perhaps she decided not to reveal it. Did you
know that "Buttafuoco" comes from the Latin, meaning, "botched
lobotomy"? Joey is a real piece of work. He makes John Wayne Bobbitt
look like Charles Boyer.

The high point -- or low point -- was a match between former gold
medalist Olga Korbut and Darva Conger, who once married a millionaire
on TV who turned out not to be what he seemed. Imagine: a man lying
about his finances in order to snare a young woman. What will they
think of next? Ms. Conger later had the marriage annulled. Too bad. The
bride had already registered at the New York Stock Exchange. The Fox
announcer went out of his way to mention Olga Korbut had been arrested
in Atlanta for shoplifting. Now, that's class.
Conger, towering over the demure Korbut, pummeled the former Olympic
star mercilessly. Exceedingly aggressive, Conger must have had a
picture of that faux millionaire in her mind. I'm reminded of High Hat,
the heroic horse in the Marx Brother's "A Day At The Races," who goes
berserk when he hears the voice of the villain.
This "television event" was such a sad sight. "Television event": how's
that for a contradiction in terms?

On Monday morning, Fox executives met in New York for their regular
programming post-mortem. The question on the table: "Where do we go
from here?"
Here's the news. "Celebrity Boxing" will get a third chapter. But it
will take a new, imaginative direction -- into the world of politics.
There are plans to invite members of the House Armed Services Committee
to get into the ring with the Senate Committee on Intelligence. But
that's tentative. Besides, the term "intelligence" is repugnant to the
Fox marketing department. Meanwhile, some of the fallen stars on the
American political scene might soon through their protective headgear
into the ring. For example, Dick Morris might take on New Jersey
Governor Jim McGreevey. Fox management is particularly excited about
stationing a dominatrix in Morris' corner. Nice touch. McGreevey's
insisting on fresh cut flowers in his.

Another engaging match would be Al Gore versus Governor Howard Dean.
Gore could effectively use his turgid, stone face on his opponent while
Dean could employ that unnerving technique of shrieking like a peacock.
That rattles his challengers every time. In the event Dean backs out,
Michael Huffington is waiting in the wings. He might even wear them,
for all I know. Huffington all dolled up like an angel. I might even
pay money to see that.
Ralph Nader could use some publicity. He couldn't get on the California
ballot because he couldn't garner enough signatures. But if he went on
"Celebrity Boxing Three," it might be a different story. A matchup with
the CEO of General Motors might be fun. Or a bit of sparring with Ross
Perot, who intimidates adversaries with a terribly loud sucking sound.

A natural choice for the next round of "Celebrity Boxing" is Jesse
Ventura, who's been looking for a gig. It will be tough to find someone
who might go up against a pro. Schwarzenegger is too busy. Maybe the
Rev. Al Sharpton will go three rounds. They wouldn't have to fight. One
could try to force the other to submit through a steady stream of
invective and rhetoric. I know that sounds brutal but there are few
rules in the world of celebrity boxing.


Bruce Bellingham is the author of "Bellingham by the Bay." His e-mail
is bellsf@mac.com