Marina Times, June 2003
As I find myself swept up in this season of graduations, I am all atingle about pomp and circumvention, ivy-covered professors and bewilderingly specious but bittersweet farewells. While basking in this nostalgia for the academic years I never had, it occurs to me that I will likely never be invited to deliver a commencement address. So I will do it now.
Thank you, trustees, even the lesser-trusted trustees; President Schteppenschmutz; Chancellor Chauncey, other officers of the university and campus; my fellow honorees; distinguished faculty, alumni, graduates and their family and -- most importantly -- Uma Thurman, wherever you are.
As I traverse the grassy meadow that carpets this beautiful home to higher knowledge -- a platform for dreams of my youth -- it occurs to me, I have never been here before. Didn't go to college. Not on this grassy knoll. A good thing. I get terrible hay fever. Not only was I not enrolled here, I would never get into the parking lot. Wouldn't even be allowed to cut the lawn. But life is funny. You might want to hold on to that thought. It wasn't through the traditional academic channels did I come to speak to you today. I did not find myself safe in the arms of this lofty institution. Instead, of in loco parentis, I came to be here just by being loco. And your parents must be loco to send you here. Under the patina of pride that your mothers and fathers display today, I can almost hear a plaintive cry from inside them: "When do we get our money back?"
I'd like to remind you about a few things before you take your place in our society.
First, don't leave. Find an excuse for staying. If you do leave, don't worry about finding a job. There aren't any. I know that sounds a little negative, but consider this: You don't want to sacrifice your vibrant years to an unrewarding and mediocre gig. Your parents did that. Why? Because someone told them it was a good idea. Probably their parents. Stay somewhere where you can learn something just for the joy of learning it. Preferably something useless. No practical value whatsoever. See how the useless idea takes root in an insensible world. Watch how it becomes part of you. That is the only way you will own something that can't be taken from you. Cultivate an ability to remain open to new things. Be more concerned about giving things, rather than collecting things. Don't be afraid to be generous.
You must travel. Notice that most of the criticisms that Americans have about foreigners come from people who haven't gone anywhere. Don't listen to them. Find out for yourself. If you can't travel for some ridiculous reason, then go to the movies. A lot of movies. Especially foreign movies. Read movie reviews but don't take them seriously. Don't follow someone else's perceptions. Create your own perceptions. Just read the reviews so you review the critic. What do you go to college for. Oh, that's right. They skip over the thinking part sometimes. Independence is invaluable but avoiding arrogance is essential. Hubris. Good with pita bread, Or self-pita bread. One thing remains true: the gods were right and will remain right whether you did or did not read the classics. It's better to read them. Then you can make inside jokes with a splashy group of people who really think they're important. And they could be. Who knows? Remember: you don't. How could you? You only went to college.
You can tell much about people by the way they treat others. But you could probably find out more by going through their hamper. If you want to be a journalist -- that's what they call a reporter who doesn't drink -- then you might have to go through a few hampers. Better that than studying journalism in graduate school. Study anything else. Study semaphore or macrame or scrimshaw. Then at least you'll know something. Above all, study people. They are the creatures who are going to break your heart -- and make you happy that you have one. That usually happens on different days. Keep in mind the days are different. The most important one is the next one. I have never heard anyone say they were sorry they did not end it all the day before.
Remember that you are a part of history. It is not a subject, an abstraction. It is a way to mark human experience. We each mark our own. You have terrific technology. Use its speed to get to the right things sooner. That way, you'll know how wrong you were all the faster. Wrong is not bad. What's bad is not caring or neglecting to care to rectify the wrongs. You are in an amazing place in your personal histories. You have a little more time to fix things -- the things that I and my generation have left in pieces. Always keep music in your life. Only villains recoil from its sound. You might want to keep some Kaopectate handy as well.
You have every reason to feel very good today. There are people in your life who cared deeply enough to bring you along to this moment. Someone will buy you lunch. You can thank them by showing that sort of compassion and that sort of decency to others. Know it's not selfish to forgive yourself. It is also a very healthy thing to ask for help. The faster you tell the truth about anything, the better. It gives you protection. Conventional wisdom is a silly expression. When you believe in something, trust that feeling. Don't hold back. And always give yourself a little credit. Look at yourselves. You made it. It's Graduation Day. It's an odd occasion: most of us feel younger today because of you. Who knew? You don't. How could you? You only went to college. One more thing, please. Go have fun.
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